Today people irritate me because....

I know most people are less intelligent than myself. This allows me to comment on the behaviour of those around me with little fear of reproach.
That said here’s what bothers me on this day, Wednesday March 28, 2007. Let it stand on the record that I, Danna Bach, take issue with my fellow human beings.
Often parents tell their children to use their words — instead of their fists — to solve disputes.
I suppose parents ought to be a little clearer on which words, and when it’s appropriate to use them.
For example, while it might be totally acceptable to throw down a dirty word in the comfort of your own vehicle, while situated in front of your own television set during a hockey game, or after you stub your toe on your bed frame when you get up to use the loo in the middle of the night, there are other locales where those F-bombs are about as desirable as a pimple on prom night. A mouse in your Milk Duds. A hair in your hot dog, etc.
Case in point — as I was leaving a packed movie theatre Sunday night, a man began shouting about how “F-----g hot!” it was in there, it was so “f-----g hot, man.”
Indeed, it was so “f-----g hot,” the man nearly “lost his s—t!”
That’s a shame. I hate losing anything, chapstick, socks, eyelash curlers. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to lose your s—t, especially in a crowded movie theatre. How embarrassing.
There’s nothing really wrong with cussing, the best of us have done it in the worst of times; there is something therapeutic about putting all your frustrations into a single syllable.
But there’s a time and a place to lose your s—t.
The time to do so isn’t while you’re exiting the movie theatre, and it’s not while you’re standing in line at Wal Mart, though so many of us have wanted to lose our s—t in this exact location. It’s not during a loud conversation in a family restaurant, and it’s not while you’re chatting on your cellphone while working out at the gym.
(Yeah, that’s another irritant — who are these people that call people while working out? I understand eating Gummy Bears while working out, they’re delicious, but talking on your cellphone? Come on! Get off the treadmill and go buy a sweater for your Chihuahua or something. I hate you.)
But back to the blasphemy. There are other words that are less aggressive and work well. Good substitutes that I’ve found include “Balls!,” “Jeebus!,” and “Dirty Mother!” Any or all will suffice.
And, keep in mind that the frequency with which you cuss heightens or weakens the impact of the word. Think about it, if Courtney Love throws down, you wouldn’t bat an eye, but if, say, the child from Little Miss Sunshine started cursing up a storm, you’d all stop and look.
And really, even after the plastic surgery, who wants to be Courtney Love?
Nobody.