Tacky, as in sticky, as in I hate some people

Cat paw prints on a clean car.
Bullet holes.
A golf ball protruding through a rear window.
All of these things are, apparently, frigging hilarious.
Why are people spending thousands of dollars on their cars and then bedecking them with ridiculous adhesives? Wouldn’t the golf ball detract from the overall look of the pricy minivan? The bullet holes take away from the shine of the $70,000 diesel truck? The cat paws dim the glow on that glorious electric blue PT Cruiser?
What’s next? I’ll tell you what’s next. I’m in the process of designing a Wash Me sticker, it’ll be big and scribbly, and it will look like it has been authentically, digitally scrawled into equally authentic-looking grime.
Then, I’m going to get the patent for a bird crap sticker. And this won’t be any bird crap, this will be bald eagle-sized crap, maybe even great blue heron-sized, falling-from-about-3,000-feet crap. Oh, maybe I’ll also get the birds-eating-cherries crap, and you can buy dozens of the little suckers and coat your car with them. Hilarious.
Then, just for kicks, I’m going to get that drove-the-Coquihalla-mid-winter, rock chip for you to put right smack in the middle of the windshield.
I’m literally dying laughing.
Once I’ve perfected these stickers, I might move on up to the vomit sticker, you know, the night out with the buddies, and thank god I rolled down the window sticker.
And after that who knows. I’ve been discussing the idea of an overall road dust sticker. Trouble is, you actually need to wash the vehicle so the adhesive sticks properly.
There’s always the possibility of the parked-under-a-really-sappy-tree sticker, and the hit by the snowplow sticker, but those have to be worked on by a team of scientists. Ideally those add-ons would be texturized so as to give an authentic representation.
But before that, there might be the parked-too-close-to-the-buggy-rack-at-Superstore sticker — imagine this, a nice white streak of paint to strategically place along the front bumper. People will stop to look, they won’t even be able to stand straight it’ll be so funny. They’ll actually ache for four days after laughing at that sticker. What an ab workout.
Finally, as the piece de resistance there will be the ticked-off-some-guy’s-girlfriend-who-got-drunk-and-keyed-obsenities-into-the-hood-of-the-car sticker.
By the time I’m done, people will wonder why they ever bothered with the Garfield tails stuck in the closed car doors. They’ll marvel at the fact actually had the audacity to place the I Break For Bingo bumper stickers on their rears.
It’s all about stickers people, and since there’s no cure for tacky, I’ll likely make a mint.