A shot to the nuts — now that's funny

Nobody can stand her.
You know her, she’s that girl.
She’s the one who never went through the ugly phase. She’s the one who, at 13, never spent hours looking in front of a mirror and wondering if anyone was ever going to love her, if she was going to end up like her solitary aunt, in her solitary town home, lounging on a wicker recliner and reading the real romance novels, you know the ones, the ones with the long-haired Fabio’s on the front, the ones that don’t even try to disguise their genre through a cleverly worked cover and a half-assed attempt at plot.
Rather, she was the only one who actually looked cool with a side-crimped ponytail. Should she become famous, there won’t be any ugly teenager photos in her albums. She never had crooked teeth, never had to wear headgear, and never had to pay attention to the warning: “if you pop it, it’ll leave a scar.”
No little girl can stand up to the horror that is the face of Bryan Adams.
Nobody can stand her, but at least she’s honest. At least she is awesome.
There’s someone on this earth that I actually dislike more than that girl, however, and I figured it out while conducting an interview the other day.
The man I interviewed was a humor columnist — award-winning even.
He has just finished his fifth book and was headed for a tour of the States.
I called him up expecting to be laughing and loe, what was this?
The man is not funny.
Like a really frothy-mouthed, lispy, can’t seem to remember to wash my hair and change out of my food-crusted shirt person thinking he or she is the next Giselle Bundchen, this man believes he is humorous, bills himself as a funny guy, and is the most unfunny individual I have come across in yonks.
And it upset me.
Growing up there was a little girl who lived down the street and she wasn’t very bright. She wanted everybody to like her, but nobody really did because she was annoying as hell. She’d show up and want to play, and sometimes, if nobody else were available, you’d let her, but by the end of the day you’d be ready to claw your eyes out because she was so eager to please she’d laugh at anything.
In Grade 2 she actually claimed responsibility for farts she didn’t commit in a desperate attempt to get laughs.
Her name was Tara. And forever after, whenever I watch a really stupid commercial on television, or read a really stupid bumper sticker I think: “Tara’d laugh.”
And she’d be in hysterics for this humor columnist.
At one point in the interview I asked him what inspired him lately.
He said his dog. His dog is funny when it watches the squirrels play.
And this guy actually makes a living on being funny.
I want my money back and I haven’t even bought his book.